i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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