Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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