Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
