i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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