Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
