i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
