i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
