just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
