I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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