bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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