Too much gin, very little bucket
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
