you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
