Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
