it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
