i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you made out with another girl for some wings
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
