Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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