woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
