Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
