The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
