I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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