The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
