i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just forgot I was standing up.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
