I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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