Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
