How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
