at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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