My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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