haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
