i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
