In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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