can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
