is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
