If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
