Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
