i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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