I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I cut my penus on the lid.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
