There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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