the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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