So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
