I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
