I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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