I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
