i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
