if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
