I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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