Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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