it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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