she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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