Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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