and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
