my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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