I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
